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Being sober sucks.


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I'm so fucking bored all the time.

 

I quit drinking for one year, just to see if I could do it, and I did.  But then when I started again, I remembered why I quit.  I let myself get too drunk a few too many times, and it ended with me slipping and falling and breaking my wrist.

 

So now I'm not drinking again.  Maybe ever again.

 

And as you may know from either this forum or the other one, I would occassionally try to alleviate boredom by abusing these prescription pills I talked my doctor into giving me.

Well, I took them every day for two weeks straight during winter break and it was awesome cause I was never bored.  I always felt like there was a party in my head.

But again, I don't want to end up an addict, so I decided to quit taking those pills while I still have a choice.  So that means not getting any more next time I see the doctor and most likely, not ever again, just like alcohol.

 

Siiiiiiigh.

 

SOOOOO fucking bored.  Sobriety sucks.  All my friends do is sit and get wasted at a bar for hours and I used to do that too.  And I still go and drink green tea and listen to them shoot the shit, but it's obviously not the same when I'm not drinking.

 

I don't consider myself an alcoholic at all (a word that I think gets thrown around way too easily) but I have learned time and time again I simply can't be trusted to know when to stop drinking.  So even though I don't feel the urge to drink ALL the time, when I do drink, my purpose is to black out, cause what else is the point??

 

So.  No more drinking.  No more pills.

 

Today I went to the gym, then bought groceries for the next few days, took a shower, did my laundry, cooked, ate, did the dishes.  Jerked off twice.

 

Haven't interacted with anyone other than the checkout person at the store and the gym staff.

 

Ugh.  There's gotta be more to life than this.  Christ I need to get laid.  Yeah, I guess I could go do like Arnold and Broski and get a pro next time I get paid, but man it sure would be nice to have a girl that actually wants to stick around, you know?

 

Fuuuuuuck.

 

Bored as shit.  And lonely.

 

fuck.

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Twenty days without alcohol. 

Congratulations. Crack open the champagne 

replace booze with salami and live in unabashed happiness and fulfillment

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Yes.  Yes it does.

 

BUT....I can't argue with the results I've had in the last few months.

 

I was also really bored over the summer and that lead to overeating.  LOTS of overeating.  Like eating pizza at 3 AM for the hell of it.

 

And by the end of August I had ballooned up to an enormous size.  I saw a picture of this enormous fat asshole looking like Jabba the Hutt in a stretched out shirt that didn't even fit his bloated body.  And I was horrified to realize...it was ME.  What had I become??  I mean, I've always been big but how the FUCK did THAT happen?

So starting September 1st it all changed.  No more junk food.   No more eating at night.  No more sugary drinks.  I cut calories like crazy and started cooking everything myself, almost entirely vegetables.  Went to the gym 3-4 times a week and was doing awesome lifting weights until I broke my wrist, but I'm still going and just doing cardio and lower body.

 

So now, 4 months later, I've lost 60 pounds.  Yes, I'm still really fat and I have a long way to go, but I think I'm out of the morbidly obese range.  And I intend to stay that way.

 

So in addition to not drinking or doing drugs, I'm also not eating crap.  I haven't had cheese in....months.

 

Jerking off is literally the last vice I have left.

 

Thankfully I never picked up smoking.  Hate the stink of it, so I'm not even tempted.

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Yes Valentina, I attended both my own birthday party and lots of friends as well where everyone around me got completely shit-faced and I was as sober as a nun.

 

I mean, it was better than sitting here by myself, but it's not ideal.  I felt like I was missing out, especially on my own birthday.  But it just comes down to will power.  After going a few weeks and then a few months without drinking, it became more like a game or a challenge and I thought "hey I'm doing it and people said I couldn't" and then I didn't WANT to give in.  I wanted that "accomplishment" of being dry for an entire year. 

Cause whether you're a problem drinker or not, it's hard as shit to completely abstain for that long.  Cause it's boring.  And there's pressure all the time to have a drink or two.  So yeah, I felt like I had something to prove, and after going several months I knew there was no way I was gonna give in, even at like 10 months in when the last girl I was seeing left me.  Man, I wanted to get obliterated, but I didn't.

 

Of course, I had pills sometimes, so maybe that's cheating.  I don't know.  Kind of a different thing.

 

Now that I've done it...gone the year, drank again, fucked up...I'm not even keeping track anymore.  Cause it feels permanent now.  And I'm not afraid of slipping and giving in cause I know I won't do it cause I didn't do it before.  I'm basically just "done" with alcohol.

 

But, as I said......that boredome and loneliness is now more all-encompassing than ever.

 

So I hope you can abstain from drinking too, if it's something you really want.  Some people can't handle being tempted by watching over people drink, but I am able to.  Just takes will power.  You can do it, if you want to!

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You have the willpower to abstain completely, but not to stop yourself from having more than a couple drinks?

Chill the fuck out and pull yourself together. Stop flailing around like a lunatic and breaking your wrist...you won't even be able to jerk off and then what will you do?

Or get new friends. Find new substances to abuse. Or get out of Japan. Doesn't seem to be working for you. I get it, I get it. You like Asians. We have Asians here. And they're less likely to see you as the "American guy" and more likely to just be into you for who you are.

Stop being so emotional. One of these days you're going to find that clingy crazy-eyed nutjob of a girl you're looking for, and you're going to want to put a gun to your head after about a month, tops.

You know what I've done on the rare occasions girls are into me? AVOID. Even if I like them. I don't need that shit. I can't do it justice. I don't want to. Like what...you buy her shit, try to say the right things, give her babies, deal with her shit, watch her get old and it's all worth it because sometimes she snuggles you on the couch?

Trust me man. This thing you're chasing ain't all that great. Then again, I've never actually had it so maybe it is. Probably not though.

tl;dr go with the hooker

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Dude, you actually made me LOL...nicely done!

 

As for having a "few" drinks?  I can't.  I've proven it time and time again.  If I drink 3 or 4 and still feel nothing, I just keep it coming until I do and by then it's usually too late.  Or if I drink 3 or 4 and I feel a buzz I think "awesome it's working!" and I just keep 'em coming til I'm running around in my underwear.

 

It's all or nothing with me.

 

And other than not having a gf, I love it here.  NO WAY am I ever coming back to the US other than for short visits with my family.  Things sound like a nightmare now in the US and it doesn't seem like it's getting any better.

 

I love living here...I love being able to just ride my bike to work and ignoring shit I don't want to deal with.  As an outsider I have the choice to just tune everything around me out if I want, and I do.  It's awesome.

 

And yes, I dig Asian girls, but any Asian girl that lives in or was raised in America is likely to be a spoiled selfish entitled bitch, so I'll just keep trying to find a decent girl here.  Easier said than done, but shit...I gotta believe my chances are higher here since I AM "different" so there's something inherently unique about me.  Not every girl is into that but some of them are.  In America, I'd just be another 37 year old shlub trying to get laid, competing with all the other desperate assholes out there with nothing unique about me at all.  And I'd probably have to live with my parents or my brother or something, and I wouldn't have a car or a job.  Not exactly a thrilling prospect to come back to.

At least here I have a job and an apartment and a bicycle.  And that was good enough for the last girl for a little while....I'd have her hop on the back of my bike and take her back to my room and she actually let me fuck her, god bless her.  What a sweetheart.

 

I sure wouldn't fuck a girl if she were as fat as I was then!!  Christ.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm so anxious right now.

I woke up hungover, had a cigarette, took an Addy, a Prozac, had a Rockstar and have been smoking all day. I am fucking wound up. It's nuts. I feel like I could run through a brick wall.

It also suppresses my hunger. Only had a granola bar and some cereal.

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  • 4 years later...

It actually does.

 

Crazy reading that almost 5 years better.

 

If only I could tell "Then Josh" what "Now Josh" knows that he didn't, which is, as boring as it was...he was doing the right fucking thing.

 

When I get back to Japan I'm going right back to how I was when I started this thread.

 

(Four a half years since my last drink by the way....at least that's one thing I managed to not fuck up.)

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I've cut out all the shit I used to do (havent smoked a cigarette in 4 years) but I still have a drink around once a week...a six pack or so.

 

I used to be really bad on the piss, but somehow I managed to turn it around and I haven't been wild/blackout drunk for I dunno how long, 8 years or more.

 

I could never stop, Id have to keep going.

 

Gladly I am now at that point where I can have a few and call it quits.

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