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8==D

I genuinely feel suicidal

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8==D    907

I can't find a job and let's be honest sooner or later my girlfriend will leave me
so I do what I can to push her away to soften that inevitable blow
My life is going nowhere
I have horrible, fucked up parents who don't really love me and never have with a genuinely dying mother who has defeated numerous odds only to be stumped by fucking cancer at age 63.
63. Not old.
My father fucking hates me and has since I was 12. I never did anything good enough. When I had an 85 average in school, I was the biggest, ugliest scumbag in the world because I had 3 A's...and one D.

My family all abandoned me when I needed them the most. When my mother was in a coma in September 2013 I desperately went to my grandmother's house hoping she'd take me in because my father was taking literally 18-20 Xanax from me a day and I was rebuffed. Told there was no room in the house. A year later or so 4 of my nieces and nephews moved on. So much for no room.

I go on and on about blacks and SJWs and Matt and Andrea and stupid old feuds but the truth is I just hate myself more than I could hate anyone else, and I wish I had the inner strength to kill myself. I really, really wish I could do it because I hate my life and I hate myself. I hate what I have become. I hate the wasted potential. I hate the burned bridges. I hate the ugliness I hold inside that I can't controll that overshadows my better tendencies. I hate the fact that I'm stuck in a mice infested apartment with no prospects.


I don't want pity or advice or sympathy I just want to be heard and understood. I just want the pain to go away. I just want to stop being me. I just want to go away. I hate this and myself. I hate my life.

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magisme    10,127

Don't do it. Your mind is fucking with you.

 

Don't try to taper off of drugs on your own. Talk to your doc.

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MBrose    362

It's true, it does get better over the years. Stuff seems so important now, but when older you don't understand why you were even so nervous, sad or insecure about those things. It's all in acceptence. Accept you are not like other people, accept you don't have to be. Accept your childhood wasn't the most fun, accept your parents are who they are, accept who you are. You are not perfect and you don't need to be. You can be you, don't be so harsh on yourself. It allright to be you.

 

The moment I got severe psychical problems, my depression in my early 20s seemed such a waste of time. I could have used that time, so much better. I regret it so much. Life has so much to offer, so many things you can do. Don't waste it Miser, please.

 

Listen to EstrangedTWAT, it's all true and yeah, your mind is fucking with you, Mags is right.

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GNS    541
7 hours ago, 8==D said:

I can't find a job and let's be honest sooner or later my girlfriend will leave me
so I do what I can to push her away to soften that inevitable blow
My life is going nowhere
I have horrible, fucked up parents who don't really love me and never have with a genuinely dying mother who has defeated numerous odds only to be stumped by fucking cancer at age 63.
63. Not old.
My father fucking hates me and has since I was 12. I never did anything good enough. When I had an 85 average in school, I was the biggest, ugliest scumbag in the world because I had 3 A's...and one D.

My family all abandoned me when I needed them the most. When my mother was in a coma in September 2013 I desperately went to my grandmother's house hoping she'd take me in because my father was taking literally 18-20 Xanax from me a day and I was rebuffed. Told there was no room in the house. A year later or so 4 of my nieces and nephews moved on. So much for no room.

I go on and on about blacks and SJWs and Matt and Andrea and stupid old feuds but the truth is I just hate myself more than I could hate anyone else, and I wish I had the inner strength to kill myself. I really, really wish I could do it because I hate my life and I hate myself. I hate what I have become. I hate the wasted potential. I hate the burned bridges. I hate the ugliness I hold inside that I can't controll that overshadows my better tendencies. I hate the fact that I'm stuck in a mice infested apartment with no prospects.


I don't want pity or advice or sympathy I just want to be heard and understood. I just want the pain to go away. I just want to stop being me. I just want to go away. I hate this and myself. I hate my life.

 

2 things shape people as adults while growing up - nature & nurture.

 

You can't change your childhood, but you change your life now. Don't shortchange yourself. From what I have seen over the years, you are quite the word smith. Look into taking a few classes to refine your skills and maybe become a writer or content/article producer/outsourcer. You don't have to work in a shitty office and you get to spend time doing the same shit you're doing right at this moment - writing!

 

Save up some cash and go travel overseas, get a taste of some of the beauty life has to offer. 

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meatpuppet    764
20 hours ago, 8==D said:

I can't find a job

You can find a job. They are hard to get but when you first start out you really have obsess about doing a good job and keeping it. It's like driving.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

sor later my girlfriend will leave me
so I do what I can to push her away to soften that inevitable

That could happen. That's life.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

My life is going nowhere

Find something new every day.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

I have horrible, fucked up parents who don't really love me and never have

That's really an exaggeration and you know it.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

with a genuinely dying mother who has defeated numerous odds only to be stumped by fucking cancer at age 63.
63. Not old.

I can't say much for that but that is tough. I had two family members pass away with cancer. It gets better with time.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

My father fucking hates me and has since I was 12. I never did anything good enough. When I had an 85 average in school, I was the biggest, ugliest scumbag in the world because I had 3 A's...and one D.

That sounds like a memory everyone else in this universe has forgotten about.

That's life. I think you view people as ideal archetypes and hold them to those standards. Eventually you have to realize you are on your own. Birdy got kicked out of the nest. At the end of the day they are just people and flawed like everyone, and even like you. Remember that hand burning scene from the movie Fight Club and the Nietzschean overman speech from Tyler Durden? It's just a movie but a lot of what he had to say is true. 

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

My family all abandoned me when I needed them the most. When my mother was in a coma in September 2013 I desperately went to my grandmother's house hoping she'd take me in because my father was taking literally 18-20 Xanax from me a day and I was rebuffed. Told there was no room in the house. A year later or so 4 of my nieces and nephews moved on. So much for no room.

Yeah, well you were a young adult at that time I think. Your nephews and nieces are just kids. A lot of people start living on their own when they are 16. It's her home. You don't own it.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

I go on and on about blacks and SJWs and Matt and Andrea

I'm out. Told you many times to stop bringing that up but whatever. Nobody cares about your melodrama.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

stupid old feuds but the truth is I just hate myself more than I could hate anyone else,

stop thinking about yourself, your existence, you own cult of personality, something that's been said before. think about something else.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

and I wish I had the inner strength to kill myself. I really, really wish I could do it because I hate my life and I hate myself.

Seek professional help. We're just random people online.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

because I hate my life and I hate myself. I hate what I have become. I hate the wasted potential.

Stop thinking about the past and think about the present and what you can become.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

I hate the burned bridges.

If they are burned then whatever. In the past. Move on.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

I hate the ugliness I hold inside that I can't controll that overshadows my better tendencies.

Well behave differently and be a different person.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

I hate the fact that I'm stuck in a mice infested apartment

So you have pets. I have one that lives in mine too. I just keep the place really clean with no food lying around.

20 hours ago, 8==D said:

with no prospects.

Then move or find a job.

21 hours ago, 8==D said:

I don't want pity or advice or sympathy

Yes you do. I think everyone does. It's usually free.

21 hours ago, 8==D said:

I just want to be heard and understood.

Now you are just being poetic and abstract. That doesn't really mean much.

21 hours ago, 8==D said:

I just want the pain to go away. I just want to stop being me. I just want to go away. I hate this and myself. I hate my life.

Keep looking for a job. You haven't really elicited what you have been doing or what careers you have been pursuing. I would be realistic about it all and have a grounded sense of reality. I think your parents gave you a really codependent personality, equating happiness with having a connection with another person. You should really look to be more independent and gain more happiness in your ability to do things on your own.

I've also noticed your reverence for archetypes (heroes) such as celebrities. You have too much of a fantastic idealism. You really shouldn't have any idols or look up to anyone. I think in large part you look at them as people you can identify with or look as replacements for people in your small environment. These archetypes aren't real people. Real people are boring and live normal lives. 

You should really reflect on just how small your world is and how little experience you have and how little you know. You live a protracted childhood in the same microcosm you grew up in. Your sense of morality seems naïve like you are trying to make sense of injustices a child wouldn't be able to accept like Catcher in the Rye. I would read up on Jungian psychology and observe yourself as a third person, something I've told you before.

One thing you could do is move somewhere else. Find a shitty, steady job and find a better one and move on and on. Stop chasing a dream and wasting time. Every second you spent surfing the net could have been used instead towards becoming a stylist or whatever you want to be in life. Nothing comes instantly or easily or even in a way you can envision. It just comes with time.

 

I remember Homan once said about you is that you think about things too much, and I'd agree with that assessment. Talking or worrying about things you can't control is a waste of time. Just accept and move on. A lot of people's esteem comes from work so eventually when you get a job that will right itself.

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arnold layne    2,674

Hey Miser, I get the feeling you aren't in a supportive environment. Sounds cliché, but you cannot grow a garden in rotten soil. 

 

If you can get away from toxic people, do so without any hesitation. I realize this is easier said than done. 

 

Chin up man. There are people who care.

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Skeeter    1,291
9 hours ago, meatpuppet said:

You can find a job. They are hard to get but when you first start out you really have obsess about doing a good job and keeping it. It's like driving.

That could happen. That's life.

Find something new every day.

That's really an exaggeration and you know it.

I can't say much for that but that is tough. I had two family members pass away with cancer. It gets better with time.

That sounds like a memory everyone else in this universe has forgotten about.

That's life. I think you view people as ideal archetypes and hold them to those standards. Eventually you have to realize you are on your own. Birdy got kicked out of the nest. At the end of the day they are just people and flawed like everyone, and even like you. Remember that hand burning scene from the movie Fight Club and the Nietzschean overman speech from Tyler Durden? It's just a movie but a lot of what he had to say is true. 

Yeah, well you were a young adult at that time I think. Your nephews and nieces are just kids. A lot of people start living on their own when they are 16. It's her home. You don't own it.

I'm out. Told you many times to stop bringing that up but whatever. Nobody cares about your melodrama.

stop thinking about yourself, your existence, you own cult of personality, something that's been said before. think about something else.

Seek professional help. We're just random people online.

Stop thinking about the past and think about the present and what you can become.

If they are burned then whatever. In the past. Move on.

Well behave differently and be a different person.

So you have pets. I have one that lives in mine too. I just keep the place really clean with no food lying around.

Then move or find a job.

Yes you do. I think everyone does. It's usually free.

Now you are just being poetic and abstract. That doesn't really mean much.

Keep looking for a job. You haven't really elicited what you have been doing or what careers you have been pursuing. I would be realistic about it all and have a grounded sense of reality. I think your parents gave you a really codependent personality, equating happiness with having a connection with another person. You should really look to be more independent and gain more happiness in your ability to do things on your own.

I've also noticed your reverence for archetypes (heroes) such as celebrities. You have too much of a fantastic idealism. You really shouldn't have any idols or look up to anyone. I think in large part you look at them as people you can identify with or look as replacements for people in your small environment. These archetypes aren't real people. Real people are boring and live normal lives. 

You should really reflect on just how small your world is and how little experience you have and how little you know. You live a protracted childhood in the same microcosm you grew up in. Your sense of morality seems naïve like you are trying to make sense of injustices a child wouldn't be able to accept like Catcher in the Rye. I would read up on Jungian psychology and observe yourself as a third person, something I've told you before.

One thing you could do is move somewhere else. Find a shitty, steady job and find a better one and move on and on. Stop chasing a dream and wasting time. Every second you spent surfing the net could have been used instead towards becoming a stylist or whatever you want to be in life. Nothing comes instantly or easily or even in a way you can envision. It just comes with time.

 

I remember Homan once said about you is that you think about things too much, and I'd agree with that assessment. Talking or worrying about things you can't control is a waste of time. Just accept and move on. A lot of people's esteem comes from work so eventually when you get a job that will right itself.

Quite possibly the most well written  and accurate post I have ever seen on a GnR forum. Ever. 

(Besides my sex posts)

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GNS    541
23 hours ago, magisme said:

The Hairline Remains the Same: an Autist's Guide to GNR History

                                                                     

by Miser

perfect, and with you as his headline writer, I can see a book slated to hit the new york best sellers list in 2018.

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magisme    10,127
2 hours ago, GNS said:

perfect, and with you as his headline writer, I can see a book slated to hit the new york best sellers list in 2018.

My services are available to him free sample for his peace of mind, only $9.95.

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Miser,  one thing my Dad always said which I've always found to be true:  You should ALWAYS have something to look forward to

 

Think about what you really enjoy, plan to do it, and stay focused on it.

 

You said you wanted to see GNR, but didn't want to spend too much.  Well for just $55 you can see them just 90 minutes away in Hartford next month.  Start with that, and keep planning more things.  It's all about motivation and focus.  It sure as hell helps me get out of bed and drag myself to work every day.

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MBrose    362
2 hours ago, The Linguini Occurrence? said:

Miser,  one thing my Dad always said which I've always found to be true:  You should ALWAYS have something to look forward to

 

  It sure as hell helps me get out of bed and drag myself to work every day.

 

And every day, I look forward to the moment I can go back to bed again, best moment of the day:lol:

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arnold layne    2,674
17 hours ago, meatpuppet said:

You can find a job. They are hard to get but when you first start out you really have obsess about doing a good job and keeping it. It's like driving.

 

Find a shitty, steady job and find a better one and move on and on. 

I would like to add that it is important not to listen to people's opinions on your job.

 

People will have plenty, but you know what? Fuck 'em. 

 

Find something you can tolerate. If you actually like the job, that's a bonus because most people hate what they do for a living. That's why they give their opinions when you never asked. They are trying to compensate for their own shitty, terrible, career.

 

Maybe work at a Goodwill or something? I know you have an interest in fashion and I know you have a knack for retro styles or whatever. Find a place where you can relate to others and then use that place to expand or build on your interests. 

 

 

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Facekicker    4,072

Buy an aquarium and a humane mouse trap. 

 

Buy 6 red belly piranha. 

 

Catch the mice in your apartment and then feed them alive to your new pet piranha. 

 

They will be torn to pieces and eaten alive. 

 

Death is final. Watch them die in agony and know that it is a final solution to a temporary problem

 

Now you have a happy pet, a new hobby, a rodent free apartment and some sick videos to post on YouTube to upset those PETA twats. 

 

I can't solve your problems but that's one I can solve so that's a start. 

 

Eat healthy, start exercising and stop giving a shit about people who won't change. 

 

That's a start at least 

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